Salvation in Resolution?

It seems that every single time i try, i succeed. But only for a fleeting moment, because the eternal pessimist in me tells me everything is transient. And so i find myself giving up again, thinking “Just five more minutes.” or “I’ll do it when the week is out.”. Nothing seems to motivate anymore, though no one but myself is to blame for that. All i require is a simple goal, after all, and work towards it.

School equates to dread now, and i wonder why. I used to be so (to borrow the disgusting colloquialism), enthusiastic about it. Perhaps not so much enthusiastic but attentive to the little things that make life palatable, much like how a dog may have its ears pricked to listen for the welcome footfalls of its master. But now it’s just humdrum, huge swathes of drab canvasses that fall on me, layer upon layer, suffocating. There is a desire to break out of it all, to have a single-minded intensity that will instantly make things better. No more messages telling you of your failings, no more reminders of how you’re the child you were never meant to be.

Does everyone have their own destiny? Is this why we study literature? To question providence and the presence of free will? Placido Domingo said that we all have a destiny in accordance to the breadth of our shoulders, and his shoulders were broad. Coming from a man as great as him, i don’t find that hard to believe. But to aspire to be like the pantheon of Gods and Goddesses i have come to worship is not my desire.

Perhaps the trouble lies in that: I do not know what i desire. I have no mitigating circumstances that necessitate a drive towards perfection, given the comfort i have enjoyed my whole life. It is exceedingly comfortable, and i find i am unable to stop myself. Unable to stop myself from acting like something i am not. Time to wake up and smell the rotting roses, and time to sweep them aside in favor of a new bloom. Something hardier, not so delicate. Time to climb down from the treehouse of escapism and embrace the harsh, bitter realities.

Time to stop telling yourself it’s never too late, because right now, too late was two years ago.